Tom Cruise Sues over Unauthorized Use of Image on Butt Plug

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“My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality,” said Mr. Cruise’ attorney Marvin Keister. “The Mission Insertable butt plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness.”

“L. Ron Hubbard taught Scientologists to respect their large—and their small—colons as the pathway to better physical and mental health; and although Mr. Cruise endorses regular high colonic cleansing and Vitamin K enemas, he is offended by the notion of butt plugs in general and of those with his face on them in particular.”

Trey Guccione, CEO of Holesome Fun, responded angrily to Mr. Cruise’ lawsuit.

“Like I’m sure Tom’s never been shitfaced before,” said Mr. Guccione. “He can take his lawsuit, hold it sideways, and stick it where the sun don’t shine.”